Man vs. Wild vs. Torgo vs. Prequel and/or Sequel

Mrs. Torgo, as she has never before been known and would most likely not enjoy being called, was supposedly on maternity leave for three months. She never really does vacations though, even when the 'vacation' is actually a recovery/bonding period with a newborn. She has what is known as "insane workaholicism."

This is much like Bear Grylls, a British guy who looks nothing like I thought he would after his show, "Man vs. Wild," was described to me by my coworker. Mr. Grylls, despite having a 2-year-old and a wife (or, perhaps because of the toddler and because he has little regard for his wife) goes and jumps out of airplanes in the middle of the wilderness and gives himself five days to get out alive, usually with just a canteen and a flint.

Like Mrs. Torgo, Bear has a higher purpose. He's trying to educate people on how to survive should they ever have a tv show and need ratings.

If I ever did what he does, I'd come home to changed locks and divorce papers. Why? Because he's completely mad. My coworker thinks he's nuts for drinking water squeezed from elephant dung, drinking his own pee, or peeing on a shirt and wrapping it around his face (pictured) to stay cool in the Moab desert.

But he's just trying to survive and the Discovery Channel apparently has a lot of competition.

Mrs. Torgo, also trying to survive, signed on with her first two post-leave clients in September. The first due date was the 10th which, if due dates meant anything, have given her just over 3 months off.

Then that woman went into labor on Thursday, which meant not only was the leave cut short, but I was to take charge of both Prequel and Sequel for an undetermined stretch of time.

No worries, though, about Prequel. We're professionals. Sequel, though, comes with new challenges. He nurses and I, despite my best efforts, don't lactate. (I am half-Italian and therefore am supposed to sweat olive oil, but unless he has some bread, a little vinegar, maybe some oregano and fresh cracked pepper, I'm useless.)

Fortunately, Mrs. Torgo planned ahead and froze some milk, leaving me with a delicate balancing act of portioning out the reserves without knowing how long they needed to last. Complicating things, though I could've just driven the boys to the hospital to let Sequel eat, she took the Torgomobile.

I went to this awesome website to watch "Man vs. Wild" and pick up some tips. I learned how to get out of the Rockies, how to survive in the Moab, and that the Costa Rican rainforest, much as I might have guessed, isn't a good place to get lost.

I also learned that Prequel takes advantage of the vulnerable moments when I'm feeding Sequel (much like a scorpion hiding in your shoes while you sleep) to seek out Total Destruction and Chaos.

We survived, though, and so did Bear.