Job Hunting

I hate cover letters. I say that as though it's something unusual. I've never met anyone who likes them. But then, I never thought I'd meet anyone who liked working retail, then I did. In fact, I now know a few people who sincerely enjoy retail.

I hate retail. That's not unusual either. But I'm starting to come around to cover letters. It's all just a silly marketing campaign. I remember hiring djs for my college radio station. A big plus for those candidates was legibility. If they could fill out an application legibly, that might earn an interview. And the interview process was a bit like the whole snake/spider/puma story: he's more afraid of you than you are of him. We did the interviews in groups because no one wanted to lead it him- or herself. We always struggled for questions, trying to figure out how to not come across as bumbling idiots.

It wasn't until maybe my second year of doing that that I realized how intimidating that might be for the interviewee--a first-year, new on campus, walking into the bomb shelter that was the station (no, really, it was an actual bomb shelter), and then walking into an office full of awkward men throwing bizarre questions at you. We were all a bit like Vincent D'Onofrio on Law & Order, a bit off, possibly knowledgeable, definitely collectively creepy.

I'd rather be like D'Onofrio on L&O than in The Cell, with Jennifer Lopez. That was a bad movie. And he was a complete nutbar in it, with those rings in his back, suspending himself from the ceiling... that was just wrong.

But anyway, cover letters. I've started having more fun with them. If I was reading fifty of these things, all people trying to suck up and sound smart, I'd want something a bit different. I'm writing them in crayon now. Not something crazy like burnt sienna or cornflower, I usually use orange or green. I also put Thundercats stickers on the envelopes. That's a sure-fire hit. I included peanut butter in one, just a teaspoon, because honestly, who couldn't go for some peanut butter right about now? I sent one as a postcard. I just wrote on the back: "Having a great time in Nebraska, everything they said about corn is true, please hire me."

I'm sure the calls will start coming any time now.